Downbeats and upbeats

Today I went to my doctor to talk about my heightened stress and anxiety levels.  She asked me loads of questions, which revealed a lot of information I am not about to disclose to society at large.  But, after all that, she decided to try me out on a mild antidepressant and an anti anxiety medication.  So I am today starting a round of Celexa and half a xanax.  I don't feel any different yet, of course, but I am hopeful that at the very least I will get some benefit from them.

On more upbeat news... My brain has been telling me for a day or two now that it is about time to work on another piece of music.  I have been humming a tune I have never heard before while at work, a common sign to me that creativity is trying to escape.  I don't think it is finished yet, but it probably is ripe enough to pluck from my subconscious and give it a name.  This is the fun part, feeding and clothing a single, small melody until it shines like the piece of work it was meant to be.  Sometimes it is lively and full of instruments.  Sometimes it is quiet and shy, with only a piano or a guitar.  But each one is unique and special in its own way.  Stay tuned, and I will let you know how it progresses.

Stress, Anxiety, and Opinions about Work

Getting stressed out is a very real thing. I remember in high school we would use that term whenever we studied for a test, but wanted a break. "I am too stressed out to do this right now." I would stop, watch some Mystery Science Theater 3000 or read part of a book and replenish my brain. These days, however, my stressed out level is allowed to get way too high to be brought down by simply doing something I like for a little while.  No matter what your job, family life, or views on politics are, stress is all around you. Controversy makes good TV, but for some people, that is a major stressor. Stress triggers are close to impossible to escape anymore. I myself get stressed at work whenever something happens that is out of my control. I feel that it is my fault if something goes wrong on my watch, whether it actually was or not. I fall into panic mode. If it is something I can fix, I drop everything to do it before anyone else can find out it went wrong. If it isn't something I can fix, I feel sick, get the weird panicky feeling, and an internal monolog starts telling me how stupid I was for letting it happen.  Yes, that is more than stress. That is anxiety. My anxiety is triggered by stress, the stress of things I can and can't control. Work is a big red button on my anxiety that sets my amygdala into overload. Days after whatever it was happens, I still feel the stress from it. This means that my stress triggers overlap each other. A lot. I start out feeling stressed, move to feeling horrible about feeling stress, and end up dreaming of horrible things happening that my dream tells me I deserve. Watching some TV or playing a game with my hubby, while I know it is relaxing and fun, just don't seem to make me feel better anymore. These days, to escape my stress and anxiety, I have to reach out for professional help.  I am actually anxious about getting professional help. I don't want to be crazy. Logically, I know I am not crazy just because I can't cure my anxiety all by myself. But the stigma is still there.